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guess what? [030608]
[ mood | tired ]

i have decided that i am one fucked up little kid.
i've got a shit load to deal with
i'm also 18 with no license. On good friday tho i'm getting it and then
i prolly wont have a car.....
i dont like myspace or facebook, i never have time anymore to get on them, oh well whatever i like my busy life.
i think i'm going to chicago with keith for spring break =]
i'm so happy we're back together
i should of broke up with johnny well... i should of never been with johnny and then everything would of been fine...
oh well all that matters is now.

i love music now, not lyrics, just noise. a lot of sounds are always so good to hear and fall asleep to.
ugh i hate this senior bull shit im going thru.


sexual eruption. [121207]
[ mood | happy ]

Keith James, i love you so much, and remember the other night when i was telling you what i love about you? it was all true, because i do love your heart the most. your my favorite, your the only man in this world that treats me right, and the way i want to be treated. no body else will ever take your place

i love you. 


[ mood | blank ]

guess what? my life doesnt suck.
Im happy with ever seconed i fucking live, keith means the world to me and im so happy im with him because im ready to just say fuck everything and just be with him im so ready. i never should of broken up with him in the first place because thoes some odds months we wernt together sucked because i wasnt happy, like at all. but now i just cant get over the face that i never want to leave his side, ever. i think its bull shit that i even did that in the first place, i dont need to be goin from guy to guy but shit adam was just a straight up controlling dick, who thought he owned the fucking world but to fuckin bad. and johnny was just a asshole like to everyone all the time about everything shit. dude i can not explain the way i feel now, shit im going to be 18 in a month, im so ready to just get out and live my own life, like i want to. well shit. 


Mother-Fuckas Actin Like They Dont Know Me,
But They Know Just Who I Am, Im A Mother-Fuckin Killa Gorilla Nigga
You Better Act Like You Understand
Cause Im A Killer A Mass Murda The Realest Nigga That You Ever Heard Of
Mother Fuckas Actin Like Dont The Deal
But They Know Just Wat To Do
Every Body Talkin In The Streets So You Know Im Comin Straight For You
Im A Killa A Mass Murda The Realest Nigga You Ever Heard Of

about that... [082707]
[ mood | angry ]

ive made some pretty fucked up choices in the past couple weeks, i shouldnt be lieing to my parents but i cant help it because i know they dont like keith, and if im with him i think they might get mad, so i havent been telling them, but come to find out they dont care if im with him they just dont like him at my house. i guess i just dont undertand anymore. things are getting to hard around here, and i havent really talked to anyone about anything. at all. like i just feel like i cant because i dont think anyone will understand and yeah all my friends are right i do think my parents are hard on me and a little weird but maybe they are right. like i know this is how it was in there houses when they were growing up, like they had to cheak in but im not saying that is a big deal because its not, i mean i just feel like im pushed with everything like idk i mean when i dont call i get yelled at so i do call and they dont answer the phone but i leave message after message, but i guess it doesnt count because i didnt talk to anyone, but who told me that? no one, and in the message i said call me back please. so wtf. i just dont think things are fair. at all, i mean latey i cleaned the basement, and i did my own wash i cleaned the kitchen and took the dishes out of the dish washer and put them away and whenever i dirtyed a dish i put it in the dishwasher i clean my bathroom and i cleaned my room i even took all my shoes like out of kitchen and out of the hall way and i even clean up in the computer room a little, but what do i get like one losey complament on the kitchen. i feel like i try to do everything for them but what i do is never good enough. like am i really not good enough? i know im not all you wanted me to be but still. im trying my hardest. i really am like all my grades arnt for me, they are for my mom because i know thats the only thing she really cares about and its the same for my dad all they care about is my grades, yeah they think my dancing is cool and is good for me, but i dont think they relize what it does for me, like yeah its fun and its good for my body and all that but its something else for me like yeah im glad it keeps me looking good, and im glad its fun and good for me, but it also makes me feel better about myself, because i know im no good in life, like i dont have that much goin on right now, or ever really. yeah dance and school and thats all its about yeah ive got alot of good and cool friends but shit. they dont care about my friends yeah i know its good for me to have friends but they dont care. ugh i just feel really really distant from them and i dont like it but i dont want to talk to them because im afrad that they are just going to judge me more and more each day. this sucks. 
big balls.
and i hate it.
and im sorry that i didnt come home on my uncles birthday and im sorry that they are in the nursing home and im also sorry i put you thru all this, allie, keith, megan, amanda, jillian, mom and dad. ugh. im suh a fuck up. i dont feel like doing this anymore like at all.
i hate it.
how im always upset like this
yeah like with johnny, i was upset the hole time i was with him, but i couldnt say anything because he was happy and i liked seeing him happy because i thought he wasnt happy in the first place. ugh i give in to easly im done doin that too. im dont giving into things i dont want to do. and im done with people i dont like or with people who walk all over me. if im going to have friends i want them to like me for me and i want to like them for them. and if your going to be a fake bitch to me then i just wont talk to you anymore i mean i might have to see you a lot and i might have to talk to you but i will not be your friend if you are just going to be a straight up bitch. i hate people like that i hate people who think they are just so hot and so rich and so everything, well god damnit everything isnt about you. other people matter to and the world does not revolve around your stupid ass. whatever i hate fakers. i hate them so much. and you know what else i hate i hate liers, i know i lie alot but about serious shit and not about little shit. little stupid shit too. oh and also if i had a friend that was in need of something and couldnt find anyone else to help them out i would be there in a heart beat, and i hate when people ditch other people and then want to hang out the next day i think thats fucking stupid. 
and i also hate how much i hate. 
i dont want to hate people.
but its just the way they are. 
i cant deal with it. 
and i hate how differnt me and my dad are but i also hate how much we are the same. i mean we are so alike.
i cant be on this computer this late sherry has to work in the morning.....


summer oh seven. [082107]
[ mood | lazy ]

FlintBlades7: all i kno is that u r perfect for me.

summer was crazy. austria was awesome yes. and dancing was fun and coragraphing was pretty sweet too,
and i thought everything was alright with johnny but, things got bad.
i held back a lot of things and he did not treat me the way i dersive to be treated.
i remember this one time where he wanted to know like the quickest way to get somewhere and i didnt know so like he was yelling at me and freaking out because he had to meet someone or something then when we got there they guy he was supposta meet wasnt even there so i was pissed.
wtf idk what his problam is but just because hes got a car and just because his parents dont give a shit about what he does and where hes at does not mean that he can treat me like im nothing. and also just because he doesnt like the way my parents run my household doesnt mean he can be a smart ass to me about them because i do love them very much and yes hey are kinda crazy but lately they have been the best thing i got goin for me god damnit  ugh whatever i broke up with him because i was not being treated the way i thought was right and also because i kissed bryce one night at my house and never told him that and then me n keith went out one day and he kissed me so i was like alright. i cant do this to him anymore and i never told him about thos boys so whatever he should of never pushed me or put his hands on me in a negitive way becuse thats what happens. ANYWAYS
im with keith again and i never should of broke up with him because adam was a peice of shit that never did anything anyways and johnny was just rude.
so its my fault i wasnt happy for about 6 or 7 months and now that ive got the one i really love back nothing going to happen now.
and i think i also broke up with keith because of some of my friends thought i could do better or whatever but its not about them its about me and how i want my life to be.
um its senior year.
and im excited.
summer went by too fast
oh and my dog is getting really old and she dieing a little every day lol.
i feel bad but its true.
she still gets around tho
hmm what else.
nothing really
peace and love baby


i made a mistake.

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in [040707]
[ mood | thirsty ]

latly sleep and i have become very very close.
friday i slept most of the day. and today eee not so much but ill catch up later tonight
tomorrow is easter... and its snowing... weird
um, monday is me and bryce all dayyyy
=D im excited.
then maybe monday night ill spend the night at marys or something because tuesday night is marandas house and wedsenday night i think ill stay home or have tiffany alie and um meg meg over yeah then thursday night prolly another bryce night =]
ugh man sping break.
OH SHIT i wonderwhat emilys going to do... she better call.
okay so my dad is watching planet of the apes and he feel asleep, not the new one oh no, the old old old planet of the apes.
uh i actually feel pretty good.
im not upset or anything, but i am tired.
happy birthday mommie!
i love youuuuu.
um sheeptime.


sit down and shut up. [040207]
[ mood | stressed ]

Okay I've got something that’s been on my mind or awhile now and its pissing me off.
Who don’t know
Jacob and were like crying and saying shit about how nice he was, um do you even know who he is?
Yeah it’s nice that you care enough to say something but SRSLY.
Okay that’s not what I’ve been thinking about but it’s been on my mind also.
Um, Adam.
Okay yeah we were cute together, and yeah he’s nice and I'm nice and we are nice together and yeah we were a lot alike but at the same time were not alike.
He’s the most racist person I know, and I’m sorry but I hate that. yeah I have my moments but only with some black people, but not all of them, I’m not stereotypical about them, and I’m sorry but I would rather date a Bryce over you anyway, yeah I said I loved you and oh lets get married in December, but no you freaked me out and scared the shit out of me. Stalking me basically, yes its sweet the rose and whatnot, but seriously, Saturday was hard, and today was the hardest. Oh and no I didn’t fuck Bryce if that’s what you were implying on your little voicemail thing.
Whatever Adam okay.
You may be hurt by this but just remember it was your fault. yeah I thought we were good for each other and maybe we will be in the future but right now, I know for a fact that I can not deal with your anger problems, because apparently I cant do anything right, and when I try to help people out its wrong, or when I try to just be there for someone its wrong.
Wtf Adam.
Ugh the way you made me feel on Friday pissed me off sooooo bad.
And the shit you said to me
Yeah I know you know that what you said was wrong, but when someone says something like that so hurtful to me, I’m going to just go with it.
I’m glad you listened to my mother.
Or I would have said some things you wish you would never here.
Things change over night Adam.
Yeah people get old and die
Yeah people get into car accidents
Yeah people get hurt sometimes.
But life does go on
And things do get better.
Right now
Were in shock because of Jacob,
No matter what I will always be there for them boys, Bryce out of all of them.
He is more than just an ex-boyfriend.
He’s the one I’ve always loved.
Since 9th grade.
I remember the day we meet he said he was going to be with me forever no matter what.
We didn’t date for a whole other month.
The things Bryce and I have been thru are crazy.
Bryce lost more than a best friend he lost a brother.
And he told me I was the only one who could be there for him the most.
I’m trying my hardest.
But what you said to me on Thursday night let me know straight up that you didn’t care "if you go anywhere near Bryce, let alone shake his hand, you will be dead."
Who the fuck says that to someone they love?
Tell me who.
Because Bryce would never tell me that.
letting him move to Florida was hard, and then not seeing him over Christmas break, was even harder, yeah I might say I hate him but I probably only say that because me and Bryce fight a lot over things that don’t need to be fought about but because he knows to leave me alone until I get over it, things work out fine.
Its simple, Bryce is the only one for me and I’m the only one for him.
It’s been like that for how many years?
Yeah might have known you a good long time, but I’ve known Bryce longer.
When we were dating Adam, I was still trying to figure out who you were.
And with Bryce I already know.
Were in love and nothings going to change that.
And pulse, my mom is nice to him now.
Weird, but cool.
I need to go to sleep.


RI.P.Jacob Todd Dinnan [040107]
[ mood | sad/upset ]

this week, was the hardest week of my whole life.
wedsenday Jacob died in a rollover witch hit a tree.ive been to the site way to many times.
i need to see the rock
bryce came up on friday
ive been with him everyday so far.
im really happy hes back and everything is going back to normal.
i miss him more than anything.
im not worried what anyone says.
but anyways.
nates kicked out of school for 10 days
im so upset about that.
hes not going home either.
ugh everything is happing all at once.
adams scaring me so bad, and its making me not want to be with him and i know thats horrible, and then bryce is back so i want to be with him of course.
but ugh idont know
its so weird because its not jamie and jacob anymore.
and thats freakin me out to.
not now.


52 questions, again. [030407]
[ mood | excited ]

01. Who were you with last night?
Adam and everybody.

02. What was the first thing you did this morning?..
tell my mom where my contacts were/

03. Where are you?
at my stupid house

04. Who are you with?
no one.

05. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
not yet...

06. Do you love anyone right now?
yes! Adam barclay

07. Do you have a crush on anybody?
not nobody but my baby

THE PAST ROUND ---------------

09. Ever been beaten up?

10. Ever thrown up in public?

11. What about passed out because of alcohol?

12. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
um how fucking stupid my parents are because they want to see a movie at 2:45 in the fucking afternoon

The FUTURE round ----------

13. Would you ever take a bullet for someone?

14. Where would you like to live?

15. What kind of home would you like?
as long as im with adam, i dont care

16. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
i dont know.

MYSPACE round -----------

17. Look at your top 8 list, who is your number 1?

18. Why is he/she number one?
hes the boyfriend, and my best friend

19. Have you ever kissed anyone on your top friends?
ahaha of course.

20. Ever seen any of them naked?
yeah pretty much

21. Who was the last person to leave you a comment?

22. Are you friends with this person?

23. How often do you log in to myspace?
not a lot lately.

24. Do you get excited by new comments/picture comments?


25. Do you like anyone?

26. Do they know it?

27. Simple or complicated?
in love bby.

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U

28. Had sex?
ahaha yes.

29. Bought something:
taco bell

30. Gotten sick?

31. Been hugged?

32. Felt stupid?

33. Missed someone?
all the time

34. Failed a test?
ahah yes.

35. Danced?
every single day.

36. Gotten your hair cut?

37. Lied?
oh yeah.

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S

38. Said "I Love You?"

39. Given money to a homeless person?
no they make my tummy hurt.

40. Waited all night for a phone call?
ahah yes.

41. Snuck out?
not really.

42. Sat and looked at the stars?


43. Do you swear/curse?
yeah. its getting bad to.

44. Do you ever spit?
lol yes.

45. You cook your own food?
yeah sometimes.

46. You do your own chores?

47. You like beef jerky?

48. You're happy with your life?

49. You own a dog?

50. You spend your money wisely?

51. Do you like to swim?

52. When you get bored, do you call a friend?

he is my favorite.
the end.
i love him.
so much.
its like we were ment to be.
its already march...
i'm the biggest loser youll ever meet.


[sbpc] [021107]
[ mood | WTF?! ]

So I guess my mom died on Friday night?
And I no longer have a mother.
Well according to her.
Just because Adam, Brian and Roby lee spent the night along with Tiffany Megan Alex and alien.
Okay and now she wonders why I never have people over.
What the fuck.
She hasn’t spoken to me all weekend
until today, like 10 minutes ago when I was in the bathroom.
"I’m no longer your mother"
blah then when she gets downstairs
"your so damn dumb that you don’t even know what you did wrong"
okay listen here bitch
I do know what I did but I mean seriously the last what 6 fucking weekends iv been sleeping in the same house with boys I didn’t even know oh and Megan has to but is it really that big of a deal when your fucking daughter is SEVENTEEN years old.
And doesn’t like to hang out with her fifty year old parents.
Come on.
Will you grow the fuck up?
And as far as I’m concerned you don’t have to be my mother.
You never really were.
I don’t know my real parents.
and sooner or later I want to find out who the hell I am and where the hell I came from
I’m so sick of her over protected asshole
and how she ALWAYS has to know what the fuck I’m doing
but let me tell you something else, I didn’t say anything to her I just walked away and let her stupid ass cry because this is so out of control and the other thing, my dad isn’t even mad at me.
he thinks I’m being WAY to hard on myself about everything and yesterday was showcase and it was alright for me, and my "mom" didn’t even come see.
She fucking stayed at home and my dad came and watched me.
so I told him thank you and right when I got home I went to my room and cried for awhile because I wasn’t feeling all that great.
Adam called and I talked to him about everything and whatnot.
He went to see fall of troy last night
I guess it was really good.
Then called me at 4 in the morning, luckily I was awake or I wouldn’t have answered.
God damnit dude.
And I guess no more parties at Megan’s house.
WAY to many people we didn’t know.
So yeah, how do I go about finding my real mother?
Because this one isn’t cutting it anymore.
yeah she awesome, but I mean because Brian didn’t have a place to stay and Adam and Roby didn’t have a ride at one in the morning, sorry I thought you would be more caring then that.
And dude.
At least I'm not grounded or anything lol.


megans my favorite. [020107]
[ mood | happy ]

ounce of proof: i should but i wanna make me some brownies and even wont stop talking to me lol
ounce of proof: ahaha i said even.
November Disease: omg brownies
ounce of proof: lol yes!
November Disease: why wont you make brownies for me
November Disease: no
November Disease: you just
November Disease: make me pancakes.
ounce of proof: lol because you only asked for pancakes!
ounce of proof: lol
November Disease: hahaha
November Disease: dude
November Disease: one time
ounce of proof: ill bring you some tmorrow for lunch.
November Disease: we need to have like
November Disease: YES!!
November Disease: but
ounce of proof: lol
November Disease: we need to have like
ounce of proof: but
November Disease:  a sober weekend
ounce of proof: ahahahahaha
ounce of proof: and just COKE
November Disease: at your house
ounce of proof: ahahaha coke.
ounce of proof: wtf why cant i type?
November Disease: MONSTER
ounce of proof: DUDE
ounce of proof: yes.
November Disease: omg i want monster and vodka soo bad
November Disease: or like bawls and vodka
November Disease: omg.. sober megan sober
ounce of proof: ahahaha dude.
November Disease: lol
November Disease: what was funny today
November Disease: ...
November Disease: i sat with like
ounce of proof: hm.
November Disease: freshman
November Disease: at lunch
ounce of proof: ahaha
November Disease: haha
ounce of proof: wow
November Disease: me, zach, james
November Disease: freshman
ounce of proof: wow.
ounce of proof: fun
November Disease: it was weird.
ounce of proof: i eat lunch with chrissy and she just sits at my table with all nates friends
ounce of proof: yeah!freshen now a days are WEIRD
November Disease: I KNOW.
ounce of proof: lol
November Disease: its like
November Disease: ...were we that weird to misfits guy
ounce of proof: dude! brownieS!!!!
ounce of proof: prolly.
ounce of proof: lol
November Disease: hahaha
November Disease: BROWNIES
November Disease: omg
November Disease: zach bought me a cookie
November Disease: i was like
ounce of proof: ahahha oooo!
November Disease: youever see
November Disease: that episode
ounce of proof: i got a cookie and a sub today
November Disease: of rugrats?
November Disease: when angelica
November Disease: is like
ounce of proof: yeah i think so lol omfg.
November Disease: COOKIE
November Disease: well
November Disease: i was doing that
November Disease: because i thought of rugrats.
ounce of proof: ahahah omfg.


hold on love. [012107]
[ mood | happy ]

Azure Ray
listen to them on itunes or myspace
they are amazing.
This weekend was amazing.
Adam is my hero.
He’s amazing.
And it’s crazy because I've known him for so long
and we're just starting to talk
but I love it.
It’s awesome.
If he isn’t the funniest guy I know, then I don’t know who is.
He’s just sooo him. ya know?
okay anyways.
I'm really bored right now and I don’t know what to do.
The show was amazing.
I once was........ My favorite.
okay so, fruit leather is also my new favorite.
Megan and I are at a weird stage where all we want to do is fuck and have a party lol.
It’s not ALL we want to do because that sounds bad.

She understands.

Its sleep time.


[ mood | distressed ]

wwooooooo today was fun......
not really.
im bored, hungry and tired...
no sleep
last night
cried and cried and cried.
because  i cant do this any more
but i do anyways
alright im done.

well, not really.


Happy late New Year. [010207]
[ mood | tired ]

Um, let’s see.
January of 2006
I was with Scott and it was still 10th grade. Yup that’s it.
I can’t remember, my brain cells are gone.
March Scott and I broke up, and Aaron had sex with that Renee girl so I started talking to him. That month was full of just bull shit.
Aaron and I talked for the longest time and it was just stupid.
So I went back for Bryce, it was nice while it lasted.
MIDSTATES signature was in the gala and that was so much fun. I remember when Tara fell flat on her behind backing up after the lift. lol that’s how much energy we have as a group, and that’s how amazing we are. That it looks like it was suposed be in the peice anyways. =] love you Tara!
Ohhhhh that great month of June, I do believe it was the 7th? We got out of school and that weekend was fun as hell this month has so many memories with Megan and amber and jimmy and TOM!
ahahahahah Summerdance started and Emily Erica and I started hangin out like fo reallll. lol
July Ryan came with me to the lil 4th thingy we have out at the lake with was fun.
Emily’s birthday was this month and omg. What a night.
ahahahaha I will never forget when lee jumped in that pool naked and every one else jumped out SOOOOO QUICK! ahhahaha. Bryce moved to Florida, but still called me every day... =]
Summerdance performance fun fun. Project runway nights were amazing. Megan and I started talking again, best thing ever because Amanda grade was annoying as fuck.
September school started and Bryce was in Florida and I was lonely. Nate Dell is in 2 of my classes, Megan’s in my 2nd hour. We have good times. Very good times. I meet the love of my life at the homecoming football game. And everything was smooth sailing from there.
OctoberNutcracker starts, Flowers and Snow.
Awesome. Flowers kicked my ass all over this month and next month, but we had fun.
Halloween was a blast. I got black kiss makeup all over Keith's white hoodie.
November Snow was starting to set in on my feet and it kills you, it really does. But when you can get thro snow and sweaty and then have like a 20 min break before flowers, everything works and you stink like a bitch but whatever, its fun ass hell.
Keith and I had sex and almost got caught our first time. =]
December oh boy, this month was amazing...
Number 1- Seventeen years old.
I never thought I would say this but damn I'm getting old fast.
And I know your sitting there like 17 isn’t that old. Wait until 20.
Or 19 or whatever.
Still from just being 15, to 17 god damn. Anyways, Nutcracker is the fist weekend, amazing. And that last performance of snow, nobody had to catch there breath. =]
Yeah we take a few tumbles here and there but you know what, we get up and keep dancing because it’s what we have to do in order to have love for yourself and whatever the movement might be. Then FYB omg. omg omg omg. Darrell Moultrie, that's all I have to say. His piece is awesome and there’s no more I can say about that. Everything he does and says just makes sooooo much since. "You have to dance that arm, really feel it."
I don’t know why I remember that but I do. =] but on the other hand my best friend quit dancing Jillian Margret Putnam quit. She couldn’t deal with her parents and then with the pressure of dancing, it’s understandable. But I love her to death and will never forever when she became more than just a girl a dance with. =]
Over Christmas break Keith and I did it more times then a married couple would of in a month.
Alright for the record, 6 times in 5 hours. We slept well that night. lol.
Anyways. Christmas was fun to, even though my parents hate me because I don’t even want to be home anymore, but it’s always been like that and they can just come to the fact that I have friends and they don’t and I do not even want to go into detail. Alright.
It’s a new year.
I’m excited
Ill be a senior soon.
And ill be out of this house.
That’s all that matters.
Sleep time.


[ mood | thirsty ]

my journal is now, friends only.
just so i can be the bigger person and put a stop to all
this bull shit.
so if you care that much add me or something.


AM I ALIVE OR AM I DEAD?! [101206]
[ mood | exhausted ]

"ill be on the ice by then"

give me all your bottle caps.
i want a new computer.
tonight, ive come to the conclusion that ballet is NOT for me.
i do not like it.
i like dancing.
not ballet.
um, yeah i like signature.
not snow and flowers.
its fun. but i do not like it.
i dont like pointe
i dont like any thing like that.
oh and the biggest thing i hate.
any tights really.
peace holmes.


Put this in your profile if you or someone you know is fighting, has survived, or has died in a pokemon battle.

[ mood | sleepy ]

so the food thing didnt work.
mehhhh, camreas suck.
and pluse every time i took a picture at school i got yelled at.
i started emilys part in signature.
on thursday night?
and its going good.
i think, i hope it looks as good as it feels.
i hurt my quad somehow and my butt hurts and i have a shit load of floor burns but oh well, its worth it =]

im tired, and sweety....


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